If you’re anything like me, you spend a lot of time with women or on social media scrolling and observing content surrounding women. If so, you have probably heard the phrase “soft girl era.” In the last few years, the term has become increasingly trendy.“I’m in my soft girl era.” “I’m looking for my soft girl era.” Hearing it consistently raised two questions for me- What era were we in before? What defines this season of “softness?” My questions were followed by a deep dive into this feminine fad’s definition and origin. Throughout conversations with women, I found that for them, being a “soft girl” meant being at home with a man paying all the bills. It meant being able to rely on him for not only the basic needs, but for extravagant items. So, the soft girl era was evidently rooted from a financial perspective, for some, at least. My conversations also involved women who talked about being pampered emotionally, rather than financially. While I did not agree, nor disagree with any of their concepts of softness, their ideas led me to one thought- That sounds like a dope destination, but how do we, as women, get there? How do you begin to invite this type of man and circumstantial space into your life?
I began to think about women that seemingly have a “soft life,” the attributes they exhibit, and the roles that they play in their home and most importantly, in the world. My conclusion - what you desire starts with you. You have to be ready to receive the blessing of softness by preparing yourself. Subsequently, the energy you put out into the world, the way you show up, the way you treat others is how you ease on down the road leading to softness.
Now to be clear, I believe women are placed on Earth inherently soft. However society and circumstance may subtly, or not-so-subtly demand a different demeanor, especially from WOC. We could read and write a gazillion blogs about how society has rejected divine femininity in WOC, but for the purposes of THIS blog, I would rather focus on how to get back to our natural softness to be able to receive the blessing of a soft life and enter the era that seems so desirable yet unattainable for us. How do we attract the softness we desire? I have a few unconventional suggestions:
- Gentleness- I think at the core of anything soft is its gentle nature. So when thinking of being a woman embracing their soft life, I advise gentleness within all relationships including parenting. Being kind, tender, and calm in all relationships will prepare you for the soft life of which you desire. Gentleness also calls for a certain level of compassion, forgiveness and ability to admit when you are wrong by saying sorry.
- Vulnerability- Many of us, specifically WOC, are afraid to be vulnerable. What does it mean to be vulnerable? Being vulnerable is the state of emotional exposure that comes with a level of uncertainty. Uncertainty can be a struggle for many women especially after we have been hurt, misunderstood or neglected. However, if we never allow for our true emotional state to be seen, we prevent our softness from being seen as well.
- 3) Authenticity- Showing up as who you are, mistakes, flaws, and all makes it easier to accept others in their authentic state and allows you to view the world outside of your normal “perfection” lens. Imagine God sending you that man and that life you requested and you can’t show that man who you truly are or can't accept him for who fully is. That is a softness waiting to go hard.
- Prioritizing Peace- A huge part of being soft is living peacefully. How you resolve conflict can be a large part of this. As well as, who you allow in your space and definitely what you give energy to. Prioritizing peace is a major stepping stone in your journey to the soft era.
- Developing the Ability to Ask for Help- It's funny that so many of us desire the soft girl life, where a man is providing and protecting and meeting our needs, but so many of us in that same group that would not be able to ask that same man for help when our needs are not being met. Why is that? A few reasons. Primarily we expect men to be mind-readers, and surprise ladies, they are not! Secondly, I think we, especially women of color, have become accustomed to just doing it ourselves because in our minds, asking for help = weakness. This is the most false statement ever. It actually takes more strength and courage to ask for help than to sit there and drown. To embrace our soft side, we have to do away with our hyper-independence.
- Flexibility- Now, ladies if we are being honest, some of us can be so rigid, unable to switch gears or allow or other alternatives. But to be soft is to be flexible, if you think of the very tangible characteristics of anything soft. Like, a cat? Bend a little, Sis. It won't break you.
- Stop Expecting the Worst- Now Sis, I could write a book on this. Some of us expect the worst from people and situations as a part of our guarded emotions. This can be challenging when trying to embrace your soft girl era. How will you be able to trust that knight in shining armor if you only expect him to rust even if not overtly, but subconsciously? We have to change our mindset. Having expectations of the best realistic outcomes will align us more properly with the life we are working towards.
- Accepting Your Emotions Without Suppression- Babe, you cannot be soft if you cannot FEEL! As the softer part of any dynamic, we have to be in touch with how we feel, how those feelings make us react, and how we intend to deal with those feelings appropriately.
- Speaking with Caution- As women, we breathe life into everything. In order to take a seat at our soft table, we have to be mindful of the words we speak before they come out of our mouths. Embrace speaking with intention and peace. Think about the phrasing of statements and how to make them strength based. After all, if your main priority is to secure a soft life through a man, will you be able to motivate that man with your words? Will you be able to feed him emotionally and spiritually so that he has the strength to go out and hunt, to provide you the soft life?
- Setting Healthy and Clear Boundaries- Definitely saving the best for last, I hope that at no point during this blog, you felt encouraged to be a pushover. Being soft is not the equivalent of being taken advantage of. In actuality, to be able to fully embrace your softness, you have to be clear about what you will and will not accept from other human beings. By setting these clear boundaries you will attract people that respect your time and space and that person may be the right person to help provide you with the soft life you desire.
The Soft Girl Era is a time and space in which a female chooses to only have kind, loving, gentle and supportive people in her life. It is a time where she makes an effort to live in peace, happiness, and calmness. Yes, a man and his emotional protection and financial provision can contribute to your soft life. Yet, YOU are the only one that can engineer this space. You begin to build your soft era by tucking away the ways of your hard era. You have to begin to rebel against the version of you society and experience have normalized and begin to act in a way that is humanly innate. When you prioritize the basic fundamentals of peace, that will be all you attract and tolerate in life. You will have found your soft life and created the new era of existence you desired. Now how powerful is that, Sis?!
If you missed this conversation on Insatiable Wives Club Clubhouse, check it out here.